I had a lump, according to the manogram in my right breast. I was told that it was wise of me to come in and get a mamogram early since breast cancer runs in family. I was 32 years old. I have 2 small children I can not have this. I do not have this. Was my reaction. I need another test. I want another opinion. My mind was racing in all directions. The Gynocologist who scheduelled this mamogram needs to scheduell that for you mam. I walked to the car and closed the door behind me. I sat their in the drivers seat and I cried. I felt that I was at a loss.
I had first dealt with this entering into my life when I was 16 through the eyes of another, a child who lost their mother. In college, I sympathized and empathised with women who are cancer survivors in the Hospitals. I did art with them at their bed side in San Francisco. I listened to their stories, I held their hands, I cried along with them. I felt their pain. I helped them to release their pain in their images they had created in their paintings, and stories and poems. I would guide them in visualising their free radical and to destory it with the images of light. One woman created a "pacman" figure to gobbel up the cells in her lymph node. These women were survivors. They each had a fighting spirit. They we each empowered with strong voices. There is a sister hood with them that was created through their voices. Their art work spoke loudly and was recognised by the National Instute of Health in Washington DC. It hangs in the halls as a quilt, a soft whisper. A subtle reminder that the ones who provide warmth are the ones who are inflected by this. Cancer touches eveyone in the family, not just the mom.
I dealt with this again when it hit closer to home and was found in my mother pre menopausal. I painted large paintings. I walked in Cancer walks. I freed my breast on Campus at Cal in a movement that we as women will not take any more of this. I donated art for chaity events to raise funding to find the cure.
Now it was my turn to see what finding a lump was like. Through my own tear stained eyes I look at my reflection in the visor mirror. In that instant, I knew that Cancer was not going to be in my body. I did not know how or why I knew. I called my husband at work and I told him that I needed to speak with him when he got home. He heard in my voice that i had been criing. He asked if I was okay. I told him that I was fine, but I just needed to hear his voice. I love you was his responce. I will be home early.
I then went to the preschool and picked up my son and took him home early. My 3year old grabbed my face with his two chubby hands and said why are you cring mommie? I missed you and I did not want to be away from you a moment longer. I love you mommy. I kiss it better, my kisses are magic just like yours. I smiled and held on tight. We then went to kindergarden and got my older son. A smile swept across his face. He jumped up and ran over to me. I told the teacher that I had signed him out in the office and was taking him with me. Why are you here mom? Because I missed you. I picked him up and give him a hug. Into the car we went. I drove to the beach. There my boys took off their shoes and ran as fast as they could to the ocean. The first one to get their toes wet always won. We built sand castels and we wadded in the ocean.
We walked along the beach and we enjoyed each other's company.
This is the reason why I need to be around for moments like these. With the people whom I love.
For the next 3 months My life was in a haze. Everything moved SLOW. I cherished each laugh. I cried with each boo boo I expereinced everything to the fullest. I painted, I focused, I visualised my lump and I put it into the painting. I took it out of my right breast and I put it into my art. When my kids were in school for a few hours, I worked on what I needed to do. My painting. For the 3 months the sky was a perfect shade of bue. The Ocean smelt wonderful. The fog embraced me each moring. I induldged each whim with my kids. Yes! to all the ice cream they could eat. I went places with my husband and we appreaciated each other even more so than we had done so previously.
The time came for my ultra sound. My husband came with me and sat in the waitting room. Mamm, are you sure the Mamogram found a lump? Was what the technition said. I layed on the table and just froze. I need to go get the docter. Can you wait right their please. The docter cam in and squose jellie on my chest and did the pass again with the hand held ultra sound machaine. Okay Mrs Ayr. It looks like we may have been wrong. Please get dressed and meet me in the other room. I got up and took a deep breath. In my mind I was jumping up and down. I got dressed and got my husband. He said well? I need to talk to the doctor. His face lost all color. He got up and held my hand and gave me a big kiss. We will get through this together. We went in and sat down at the desk. The docter sat infront of us with a smile upon her face. Mrs Ayr doesn't seem to have a lump. What she had are dence breast. I could have told you that, was my husbands reponce. Well it looks like the tech who found the lump was incorrect. Thank you doctor. I stood up and shook her hand then we left.
Our life was then changed. After we were given the green light with no signs of stopping. We thought about okay. San Francisco is great, but where have we always wanted to live? Lake Tahoe. We thought about it and we thought about it. Why not. Clean Water. Fresh Air. Skiing. 4 hours from SF. Our frineds can stay with us durring ski season. Why not. My husband put in the transfer and we began to look for homes. By Chirstmas we were living in our new house.
I did not want to spend a moment away from my children I joined the PTO, and became the president. I volunteered in their classrooms. I painted and sold my art out of the casinos. My husband had a desk overlooking Lake Tahoe. The boys joined Boy Scouts, were on the Douglas Contry Ski Team, Played Soccer, Played Baseball, did Karate, was in Football. I was the team mom for most of their sports teams. They we in acting classes the junior colleges held for children. They were in musicals. They both took music classs from Panio to Guitar to Drums. I worked as the Art Director at a Senior Retierment Living Center and painted with elders with Dimentia and Autism and would listen to their stories and lived my life to the fullest.
I though personal experience and though seeing from another persons point of view I was able to take what I had learned as an Art Therapist, and Heal thy self through ART.
Cancer is something that destorys families. The caregiver of the house hold, the mom is inflected with the pain. But Breast Cancer touches everyone in the house. From the mom, to the husband, to the children to the sisiter and brothers to the neighbors and the school. Caregivers are what women are. Through our stories we can help to empower others who are dealing with their fights. One in four women have it.
What I would like to do is create ART that would help to stop it from Cancer from Happening all together. I would work with not only women who may be predisposed to it genetically- grandmothers, moms, siters, aunts, cousins. But also women who have been affected by it in some way. In the process I would create a family freindly enviroment that supports all who are affected by it. I would create a networking system that would provide dinners for the families who are curently dealing with the crisis in their homes. I would create a theraputic sysytem fro them to work with someone who is non judgemental and would listen to them. I would create a network of women and men who appreaciate life and not let fear of the unknown enter in.
For Me by doing my ART. I was able to focus and visualise and expell the lump from my body and embed it onto the canvas. The Image that was created from this is 4feet by 6 feet called "True Colors". This painting has hung in various Churches, Hospitals and Gallerys and Nevada Casinos. Currently is resides in my bedroom above my bed. I love the brush stokes. I love the color. I love the meaning and the intention of the reasons bedhind why I created it. Each painting that I paint has care, focus and a stroy to go along with it. Being an artist I am aloud to express externally what is going on interanlly in every brush stroke.
I do large Oil Abstract Art. It is comtemporary, it is bright, it is colorful and it has meaning and intention in each brush stoke. My art has DEPTH. HOPE. LIGHT. INTENTIONS OF POSITIVE VIBRATION. MY LIFE IS- ART. ART IS NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION.
As a professional artist I am able to sell my art and in turn give back. Through my own, AYR ART Foundation. My Art Foundations allows children of all ages to experience the making of Art in a non judgemental environment and my art foundation gives premission for children of all ages to be messy, make mistakes and to discover the wonder in Pure Creativity.
PURE CREATIVITY ALLOWS THE PERSON TO TAP INTO THEIR STREAM OF CONSIOUSNESS AND CREATE FOR THEMSELF VS THE AUDIENCE.
http://www.melissaart.com/Thank You for listening to my personal story. Enjoy your life. Always Be Creative, Induldge in your whims, and most Importantly Surround yourself with Color.
Melissa AYR
